The Fog

 As you know I had surgery on my brain to relieve the pressure from the blood that was pooled there. The doctors said it was 6-7 weeks old. Since I had no head trauma, why or how the blood was pooled was a mystery.

I am thankful that the doctors knew how to proceed once they saw the blood on the CT scan. I do not recall much at all from the hospital once they did the first procedure. Filling in blanks has only come from listening to Jenn and Millie talk about it. I don’t even recall some people who came and visited me. I lost 2 whole days of memory, the Saturday and Sunday of the Australian Open. My nurse would always put it on for me even if I wasn’t awake and when I asked her to find it she said it was over. I thought she was joking and said today is Saturday, the Final should be on.

She told me today was Monday and both finals were over. I didn’t believe her but of course she was correct. Where did those 2 days go? What did I do? Why don’t I remember them? Apparently I was rather lethargic after the doctor took out the first tube and rarely opened my eyes. Again, I have no recollection of this.

Once I was home things went downhill quickly. Not being able to move much even though I wanted to and Jenn didn’t want me to drive, appropriately so as my speech and reaction time was ridiculously slow. Even I could tell that I took time to answer questions. Then as what I call it, The Fog set in. I was having thoughts of just moving to the afterlife all day, but they intensified at night. Sleep was difficult in the beginning because of the uncomfortableness of the staples in my head.

It wasn’t but a couple of days being home that I texted a friend late at night about the thoughts I was having. He came over and we talked for 45 minutes or so. We talked about what I was feeling and more importantly what was going on in the thinking of my head. He just listened to me and chatted. Asked me questions about my preparation for the other side. It wasn’t dire conversation but real since that’s what I had going on in my head.

Spiritual feelings were non existent. My usual “goto’s” didn’t work at all. It was as if I was in an iron cocoon with no outlet for anything. Reading and screen time would make me tired and my head hurt, music was just notes, TV was garbage.

We talked about the gospel and what the plan of happiness is all about. I couldn’t feel happiness, joy or excitement. I have never thought much about the afterlife but now could not really think about much else. I know when we die it’s like just walking from one room to the next. I know it’s something that we will all go through as it is part of the plan. I know we will all be resurrected to have eternal perfect bodies. I get it. I know it. Yet I’ve never dwelt on it like this Fog was making me.

I felt better after our talk that night and slept pretty well. But the thoughts and Fog persisted. Getting out of the house and walking for a few minutes helped. Just coming down stairs helped as it changed my perspective and told my body to get going.

Going to church didn’t lift the Fog, singing hymns didn’t lift it either. I recently went to a Mental Health Seminar and listened to a couple of presenters. While I had a completely different experience than one of the first presenters and didn’t identify with anything she said until the last few minutes of her talk where she talked about her Fog. My ears perked and I readily understood we were actually feeling the same thing, just in different ways.

I also appreciated the therapist from LDS Services who listed items for acute depression of which I checked off quite a few on the list. The next one I didn’t connect with and the 3rd one I didn’t go to as it didn’t interest me from the beginning. I’m sure others identified with those 2 though and were blessed for having gone.

I just went to see if there was a way to lift this Iron Fog from my head so I could FEEL the SPIRIT like I have previously in my life. My mother continues to tell me this is God’s way of teaching me patience. I’m sure that’s true as anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to wait.

I have researched subdural hematoma’s since I have been home and I consider myself a lucky man just to be alive. The people at the 1st hospital were stunned that I drove myself of which I kept asking them, how else was I supposed to get to the hospital? Come to find out, most people have seizures or faint and are unconscious.

I am sharing with anyone who asks about this Fog. IT IS REAL!

An old co-worker sent me a note saying that recognizing I was actually in the Fog was a huge first step as many do not ever understand what they are in and can take negative actions because of it.

I would never have understood it without going through this situation. I am glad to say that the Fog is not nearly as intense and controlling as it was those first few weeks. Sun, going back to work, walking and talking have helped me a ton. Recovery of this can take a year +.

If you ever hear of anyone talking about this Fog, do not dismiss them or it as it can take over one’s decision making process and be deathly. Reach out to them. Talk with them. Help them seek counseling. You just might save their life!

THE FOG IS REAL!

with love.......